Blog

Absolute Faith or Nothing

It’s a story. It’s a true story. It’s my story.

Things happen to you for a reason but there are a lot of things that happen which are beyond your understanding. Well! their might be a reason, you just don’t know it yet.

One such situation was, when I had to let go off my first baby.  I had to endure 18 hrs of labour pain to abort my first baby. I don’t even know whether I can call her ‘baby’. Science informed us that she had life threatening genetic disorder and would not be able to survive for long and even if she does, life will not be bed of roses for her. We were not wanting to bring a troubled soul in this world, who will only be here to struggle and in this case struggle would be much harder as she would be fighting to live, which comes naturally to all of us.  So, keeping her future in mind we took a very heart breaking decision of let her go.

The night was toughest in my life. Physically and mentally, somewhere I was convinced, I have done the right thing so my conscience was clear. I was pained and troubled but not tormented.

I came back home after a day to witness that my mother had packed all the gods and kept them in the suitcase. She was angry with all of them for putting me through this ordeal. I have always loved kids. As a kid, I have loved kids. She was aware of my fondness for children and she was totally devastated by what had happened to me. She had cried for long and was very upset with all of her gods. To the extent, that she moved all of them out of the pooja room and packed them in the suitcase. The suitcase was angrily kept in the loft.

I found the situation very amusing. I had gone through hell in the past 48 hrs but I still couldn’t stop laughing. I tried explaining, reasoning out with her but she was adamant to keep them away in the loft.

I tried explaining to her, when you believe or have faith. That faith has to be unconditional. That faith has to be absolute. You have to totally surrender to who so ever you believe in only then you will understand the greatness of the god. You can’t say, if things work out in my favour, I believe in you and if they don’t work out, then I don’t. What she presumed to be a punishment,  I believed it to be a blessing. Had my child be born and not survived, chances of which were very high, we would have gone through worse time then we were going through. So it was, the greatness of the god that saved me from extreme tortures times. She objected to my reasoning and said, things could have been normal like it happens with everybody. Yes, it could have been. And it could have been worse. It’s the way you want to think and look at life.

Everybody has to live their own life, we have our own shares of up and down and we have to walk the path alone. We are lucky to have our family and friends standing next to us but at the end we have to walk alone. That night, on the bed side sat my sister, holding my hand but the pain I had to bear. There is no escape from it. So, learn to embrace and appreciate life with all its flaws. Even with all its flaws, life is beautiful and worth living!

Me, Now and Back Then

While I was growing up, everything was wrong with me. At least, few people around me thought so.

I had chinky eyes (that’s a slang for having an oriental look), I had a mole on my upper lip which made be look like a muslim girl. I was short, though I am 5.3’’ but I was short as compared to rest of my clan, they are very tall. I had a gap in between my front two tooth, so that made me look gawky. I was not pretty, I was not attractive. I was look down upon for everything possible. I was quite disliked and infamous for the reasons unknown to me.

To my immediate family I was everything else but this. I was fair-complexioned ( fairness being a very big looks criteria in India) and  pretty. But above all, I was brave and strong. I had an ability to speak my mind with anybody and everybody. I was uninhibited and I never hesitated in expressing my feelings and my views. While I could have easily cowed down to what people think of me but I didn’t as my family believed strongly in me.

As time passed, I realised it’s not my looks that bother people. It’s my mind. I can speak up while they can’t. I don’t fear the outcome while they way the pros and cons. I like living a free and transparent life as mentally I am not bound by society norms, society does not bother me or affect me. My family and my friends do, they are the people I care about and worry about, my actions should not have any negative impact on them.

I realised when people hate you, dislike you for no reasons, there is something which you have that they don’t, so don’t give in to the pressures of the world, just be you. Everything will fall in place. You are born certain way but you can grow up to be what you want. Looks isn’t everything. Heart isn’t everything. Mind isn’t everything. It’s the combination of looks, heart and mind that makes you the person you are. And you are just perfect the way you are. Stay you. Be you. Let the world accept you or adjust to you!

College Dreams

Bollywood, Hollywood have a great impact on all of our lives. When angry young man Amitabh Bachan screamed from the screen, ‘Hai kisi maa ke lal me Himmat, jo maere saamne aaye…….’, there was a pin drop silence in the hall. When Shahrukh Khan looked into your eyes and said, ‘Don ko pakdana mushkil hi nahi, na mum kin hai…….’ , you actually believed he is capable of everything. When Kajol said, ‘Kuch kuch hota hai Rahul, tum nahi samjhoge……..’, you actually felt her pain. When Madhuri said, ‘Kahin na kahin, koi na koi maere liye banaya gaya hai…’, you dreamt with her.  You believed every word they said, you lived their pain, you laughed with them, you celebrated every victory, you hated the villainous moments and you swooned to the romance. That’s the magic of cinema, it can make you believe in things that does not exist.  It grips you with the passion you don’t realise.

When I was in school, bollywood fed us the cheesiest possible romance and most of the time it started in college. Aamir Khan fell for Madhuri at the very first look in the movie Dil and danced all around her to impress her. Only he can tell you how can any girl be impressed with lyrics like ‘Khambe jaise khadee hai….’, Ajay Devgan did the deadly split on moving bikes to win Madhu. I had no idea girls liked chimpanzees back then. Akshya Kumar jumped around like monkeys to score Ayesha Jhulka. The beauty is we actually believed in all of it. We actually believed that the college was going to be so much fun. There would be dance, music, picnics, guys and oh so romantic dates. Coming from all girls home, it was like a dream.

There are dreams and then there are nightmares and sometimes they come true.  Just before I was to start college, I got braces. I was 17, who gets braces at that age? I did for a reason unfathomable. I had a milk tooth which got removed and to pull my teeth back together, the doctor tied my teeth with wires. The entire idea of college romance got beaten up by my iron clad mouth. My dreams of dancing with Amir Khan, Ajay Devgan and Akshya Kumar got shattered, who was going to like a girl with iron in her mouth? Far from being pretty, in fact far from being civilised, back then I almost looked like Hannibal.   

First day of your college, you wear your best clothes, you put on a little make up, in my case polish your braces and curse your stars for them. In the wildest of my dreams, I have not imagined myself in braces, at least not during college.  In fact never, ever. So I entered the college with battered confidence and shiny teeth.

What came next took me by surprise, my braces which was ugly to me was considered cute. I became, the cute girl with braces. I was wanting to be the hot girl but I was reduced to the cute girl, I happily accepted. Anything which did not categorise me as weird, was welcomed. Thus started my college life with shiny teeth and scary smile. It lasted for three years, the entire college tenure. Did I get to dance around the trees with any Aamir Khan? Well, like they say, pyar andha hota hai……

Lucky Kids Of 90’s

We are the last generation who used dial telephones, black and white television and later coloured television, advent of flat screens, LCDs, LEDs and now smart TVs. We packed like hungry wolves in front of the screen when Mahabharath and Ramayan got aired. We waited impatiently for Chitrahaar and He Man. We consider ourselves very lucky when any of the Disney Cartoon got aired.

We are the last generation who used VCR and then DVR. Cassette players and then CDs. We would be over the moon, if we could lay our hands on the ‘Walk man’. It was a fool-proof girl impressing gadget.

We are the last generation who used to play in the streets. Stapoo, Gallery were some of the fun group games. During the power cuts, we played hide and seek with utmost sincerity.

We were the first generation to use mobile phones. Initially incoming calls at the rate of Rs 32/pulse.  When the incoming calls went free, all the lovers rejoiced.

We are the first generation to use computers. They were not as sleek as they are today. You would probably need half of your room to keep a Monitor and CPU. In case you added the printer, it would take the remaining space.

We are the first generation to drive around proudly in big cars such as Maruti Esteem, Cielo and later Lancer and now many more fancy cars. Not that there were no cars earlier, you could differentiate the class by the car they were driving. All the bureaucrats and ministers had elephant size Ambassador, rich service class had Fiat Padmini and rich business man had Contessa or Mercedes.

We are the first generation to play video games. When Mario collected coins we could actually feel our bank balance going up.

We are the first generation to welcome internet, the revolution which has now engulfed the world. People with ‘hotmail’ email id actually considered themselves very hot.

We embraced Orkut like we were waiting for it since generations. Dating phenomena got redefined with the advent of Orkut, Face book and now the history has been written with Tinder. The social networking sites have actually changed the way world interacts and reacts.

There are a lot of firsts and lot of lasts, we have seen and lived. We have been very lucky to witness the changing world and live the simplicity and innocence of old world!

How Boring is Discipline?

Last evening post dinner I went for a walk where I met my neighbour,

He: How about coffee?

Me: Thank you but I don’t drink coffee or tea at night

He: Come over for a glass of wine than

Me: Thank you again, but it’s already my bed time. I will head home now

He: Mahima, you are very boring and already an old woman

Me: Really, how? You are clearly a decade older than me

He: You live such a boring and disciplined life

I just smiled and wished him good night and walked back home.

Why I am sharing this with you is because end result of being disciplined can be very satisfying.

Being disciplined is not being boring, it’s definitely not being old.

It is, never to be sorry about anything. It is, never to have regrets about anything.

It’s a way of thanking yourself for being kind to your own self.

It’s a way loving yourself a little more because you prevented regrets and stress due to your disciplined life.

If you miss your exercise because you woke up late and this is because you slept late and that is because you had an extra cup of coffee or a glass of wine, you will be grumpy the entire day. I am talking about people who are used to certain kind of workout in the morning.

If you eat pizza instead of your regular healthy meal, you will be sorry the entire day because you know you killed your three days of exercise.

If you partied late, and couldn’t make up to the early morning meeting in office. Your boss would be angry and you will have to bear the brunt of that for some time.

If you skip your dentist appointment because you want to finish another episode of ‘Games of Throne’, it will stick in your mind till you meet him next leading to unconscious anxiety.

If you slept in 15 minutes extra, while you had a flight to catch, you will be thinking about missing your flight all through out your road journey, giving yourself completely avoidable and unnecessary stress.

There can be umpteen of these situations where you did something else while you planned something else and then you regretted it later. The end result is unhappy you.

Now, when you are disciplined and act as per the plans, the ending is usually very happy and satisfying. There are no regrets, you get time for everything and you are at peace with yourself because you are not running against situations or time most of the time.

Having said that, there are always aberrations where you want to let go off and want to chill in the moment and that’s also ok, what is life without little aberration and fun but don’t forget to get back to your routine the next day.  I think, that’s why the weekends are made!

Live a Little Longer

Couple of days back, I woke up to the very shocking news of Sri Devi’s demise. She is an actress I grew up watching, so she unknowingly held a special place in my heart and mind.

Today in the morning, I woke up to the very sad news of Irfan Khan struggling with brain cancer. He is young, he is healthy and has still contracted the life threatening disease.

These two incidences let me to think how unpredictable life is and how for granted we take it. It made me wonder if all the struggles, anger, negativity is worth anything because you are spending much time consumed with negative thoughts when you don’t even know whether you will see tomorrow. When I say negative thoughts, I mean the environment we live in whether it is rat race in corporate world or emotional stress at home. Is any kind stress which will further lead to some incurable life threatening disease worth taking?

In the world we live, there is nothing much we can do to avoid it completely because our world in run by external factors on which we have little or at times no control.  When we can’t change external factors whether that is people or situation, we should look within and try changing ourselves. We may not have control over people and situations but we do have control over ourselves, our thoughts and our reaction to situations and people. We can change our attitude towards these factors.

We should work towards attaining a happy state of mind under any circumstances, at any given point of time. Different things make different people happy and its ok to be different.

Know yourself, accept yourself, love yourself!

Sing a little more, listen to music more often.

Dance to new beats, dance like nobody is watching.

Read that book, you were planning to.

Love a little more, a little stronger.

Make new friends, and some more.

Travel as far, explore.

Work to please yourself.

Paint, whether it has meaning or not, whether anybody understands or not.

Hugh tightly .

Kiss passionately.

Make love as if you were scent lost in the air.

Do things, that makes you happy and don’t be sorry about it.

It’s your life and you only get one chance. Live like you want to live. Don’t live anybody else’s life because at the end you will be all alone and when you look back you should have big smile of contentment on your face.

Live, they is no other reason you are here!

 

 

 

 

 

Sky Of My Childhood

One of my earliest and fondest memory of growing up is, sitting in the garden under the moonlit sky, the vision used to be divine.

Everyday after dinner, we used to all gather in the garden to discuss the day with each other. We would sit around the round garden table with tea in our hands, some of us talking and some of us soaking the beauty of the night. On a usual day, the sky used to be clear, moon and star used to shine bright. There were times when we would locate constellations in the sky and there were times we would randomly count the stars.

IMG_6913

Winter morning used to be breathtakingly beautiful, air would be clear and city would be enveloped in thick dense fog with trees peeping here and there. If you are a morning walk person, you would be literally walking in the clouds.

Time moved on, school got over, college got over and I got busy with work. I got too busy to admire beauty of the moonlit night. Too busy to count the stars. Too busy to locate the constellations. Too busy to notice that things were changing.

Years later, one day I was sitting in the garden recalling my growing up years, missing the amaltas tree which made way for a wall. Things looked different, something was amiss. The sky was different. There were no stars, moon wasn’t shining as bright and there was smog everywhere. All this while, I didn’t realise it because I was too busy running from home to office and office to home fulfilling a corporate dream. Since that day, I would go on the terrace everyday to locate the constellation but I could not, all was lost in the city light and pollution.

Two years back, we moved city and came to Bangalore. Here, the world was different. The sky was still blue, the nights were still clean, air was still cool, moon and stars were still shining bright. The city gave me a chance to relive the world of my childhood. To see the moon and star the way they were 20 years back!

IMG_6905

We don’t realise the value of things till the time it is lost. Its human nature to not appreciate what we already have. Nature is beautiful and we should preserve it as much as possible so that future generations can experience and live the beauty, the way we did, in all its splendour.

Similarity Between Indian Kids and Electronics

Indians treat their kids and electronics similarly.

I am a kid of 90’s, I have seen advent of Radio, DVR, Walk man, CD players, Remote control TV, LCD, LED, Computer, CPU, Laptops……. One think was common amongst all these electronics and me we were all sacred of my mother.

I was about 8 or 9 years old playing in the lane in front of my house. In the neighbourhood, a house was under construction. The construction iron rods were kept in a pile in the lane. Naughty, carefree child as I was, I started walking, hopping on the iron rods. Within seconds of that, one of the iron rod pierced my leg and a one inch flesh came out and blood started oozing. I was in terrible pain, blood flowing like water, piece of my flesh hanging from my leg but none of this bothered me, what bothered me was how will my mother react.

I went back home, quietly tied a bandage on my wound and lied on the bench in the garden. Minutes later, I heard my mom shrieking. She came running to me and held my foot in her hand and screamed on top of her voice, ‘what happened, how did you manage to hurt yourself?’. The blood was dripping from the cut and my mother went hysterical seeing that, ‘Can’t you be careful ever, I will give you one tight slap and you will start paying attention’.

Now, Indian parents have this weird, possessive love. They own you completely from time you are born till the time you survive on this earth. They laugh when you laugh, they cry more when you are hurt. They are part of your growing up, your schooling, your college, at times even your dates and off course your marriage that does not happen without their consent, they decide when you should have children and they even decide how many children you should have.

My mom has never ever slapped me but I have been threatened more than zillion times and it has always worked like magic. Even when the time I was hurt, she was far more scared and hurt than I was but the expression of the pain even then was, ‘one tight slap’. This is common across states, religion, culture in India. Parents across the country behave the same.

Now coming to electronics, we Indians have very interesting way of fixing our electronics, just shake them up or bang them on the floor, lightly though or pat them with various intensity. Intensity depends upon their analyses of the problem and what is the problem? only they are aware. Magically, the treatment works most of the time.

Beat up your kids, they come on track. Beat up your electronics they come on track.

One formula for the problems.

PS: Indians parents are crazy, obsessive in love with their children.

Mom!

When she left you in the nursery as a baby, her heart broke million times. She shrieked and cried more than you.

When she walked you to the school, holding your tiny hand. She was more nervous than you.

When you got hurt, she felt the pain.

When you fought with your friend, she was by your side without the listening the entire tale.

When your exam result came, she was the one getting anxious.

When you returned from the party late, she woke up the night worrying about you.

When you were burning in fever, she couldn’t breathe the whole night.

When you got your trophy, her heart swelled with pride.

When you made your first boy friend, she accepted that with joy.

When you made it to the college, she was more excited than you.

When you got your first job, she could not contain her pride.

When you chose to marry, she stood by your side.

When you were having your baby, she was worried sick about her’s.

 

From the time, I breathed my first, I have been your heart beat.

From the time, I saw you first, you have been my world.

There is nobody like you, mom!

Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: