I have been feeling very restless since couple of days. There has been a lot of negative thought for no specific reason. I have not been able to focus on anything for more than couple of minutes. The mind seemed to be trapped in negativity. No matter what I do, where I go, it comes back to the same negativity. What ever I hear around, what ever I read is all about suffering.
I have never been in this state of hopeless despair earlier, despair because I am the root cause and I know it and I also know that only I can fix it. I have seen enough in my life to realise nothing is permanent, what ever it is, shall pass. It’s a matter of time. Still, the heart is yearning and the brain is restless.
Today, in the morning I picked up the sketch book for the first time in 15 years or so. I was never good in sketching or drawing but I bought this book in Delhi when I saw my sister sketching and colouring.
One day I woke up and saw my sister painting, she was completely engrossed in it. It was morning tea time, she was sipping her tea and colouring something she had sketched a day before. At that moment, she seemed to be completely at peace with herself. She was unaffected by her surrounding and was completely lost in innumerable crayons which she had neatly displayed on the coffee table.
Today, when I was again feeling uneasy I remembered how calm she was while painting. Also, I remembered one of my friend telling me to meditate to control my thoughts. I have tried mediating earlier but it is something I can’t get myself to do. So, I picked up the sketch book and sketched a girl. A girl who is free, bold and vibrant.
I was completely at peace with myself all the time I was painting. It was like my mind was cut off from the rest of the world and was focusing on getting the lines right, the curves perfect and hues in coordination. It was magical experience, not because the painting came out well but because I was able to control my mind for all that time.
Also, I tried to watch something different yesterday. Human beings are so used to their habits that they don’t even realise that they are trapped in them. We all have a particular flavour, we love to eat certain kind of food, we like certain kind of movies, we read certain authors or prefer particular genre, we stick around with certain people. We find it difficult to break free from our own habits. We are slaves of our own habit.
I zeroed in on Stories by Rabindra Nath Tagore on Netflix, he is a very renowned Indian writer. I chose him because he has written stories and plays which depicts his generation and culture of that time. Which is totally disconnected from me. I thought it will be a fresh experience because I don’t watch that kind of content. I saw ‘Chokher Bali’, a very popular story set in West Bengal. I was blown away with the complexity of the relationship and dept of the characters.
The two new activities which I did over last two days were quite refreshing and had manage to put my mind at ease. It made me realise that constant learning and change is important to keep yourself alive and happy. Also, mediation can be done in various forms. Art for some is meditation.